February 10th is a day on my calendar every damn year. I mean, obviously. It's not exactly elusive like the 30th or something. Right smack dab in the middle of my least favorite month. Here it is. Loud, obnoxious. Dreaded. I hate this day. It isn't something that I talk about very often, mostly because I am afraid the lump in my throat when I do, is trying like hell to suffocate me. Nobody asks to lose the people we need the most, to miss someone so much that it physically hurts. I mean, why would we? I tend to think that these feelings are always there, even on the happiest of happy days- when I am laughing SO loud and partying it up So hard. They are always there, somewhere pretty deep under the surface, but sometimes they just bubble up and over. Anyone who knows me well, like really well; would say that all you have to do is play GD Landslide by Fleetwood Mac, and you can straight up stop me in my tracks. Let me tell you though, Luke Combs' song Even though I'm leaving has been the bane of my existence after a few glasses of wine on more than one occasion lately.
It has taken me nine years TODAY to figure out that once it is in there you grieve forever- You never really get over a loss that at the time is that great. You learn to live with it every day, and you heal. If you're lucky like me you grow up. Become who you are, even if it means sometimes hiding from that big fat hole in your heart.
All holidays and monumental days I think about my Dad, hell, I sat at my dining room table last week and had a long conversation with him. He's on my mind every single day at 8:54... Twice. But today, this day is different. I am not thinking about what he did for me for an entire month for my Birthday I am not reminiscing about the 66' Mustang he hid from me until I woke up in the morning the day I turned sixteen. The trip to Catalina Island so that he could stuff an entire suitcase full of things plastered with my name on them. Those aren't the things that bubble up and over today.
All I can think about today is the stuff that I won't allow myself to remember any other day of the year. How bad it was. How awful it got. I hate this day. I wasn't prepared to watch my Dad be sick. At the time, I can say with conviction that I wasn't strong enough and I didn't handle it well. I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for parents who have dealt with this with their children. I literally can not. At the end of this shitty day, I guess I have to resolve that I am pretty damn lucky. I have had such a good life, such a great Dad that losing him was this bad.
To all of you who called me today, sent a text, or a message on Ig. I love you BIG and I appreciate it. I am sorry that I probably didn't answer many of them- but I'm a little busy over here listening to ZZ-Top, having a screwdriver, and daydreaming about convertible weather. I miss you, Daddy.